Sunday, May 1, 2011

Why There Should Be a Dating Site for Houses

If this is your first time to my blog, welcome!  Secondly, you should know that I am slightly consumed right now by my cross-country move.  We are transitioning from Charleston Air Force Base in SC to McChord Air Force Base in WA.  This change could not be any more drastic...I mean, unless we moved out of the country.  Or to the moon.
I’ve made a little chart comparing and contrasting Charleston, SC and Tacoma, WA:

Charleston, SC
Tacoma, WA
Sunny 10 months out of the year
Rainy 10 months out of the year
Sweet tea
As RED as red can be
As BLUE as blue can be
Nicknamed the “Holy City”
Least “evangelized” state in the U. S.
Black people
Asian people
Everything comes fried
Everything comes rolled
Hootie and the Blowfish

So, see?  It’s different.  And, friends, different is good.  It’s not that I didn’t like living in Charleston--I really did, but I’ve got a threadbare gypsy soul, and squatting in one place for six years has been tiresome.  Where’s the adventure?  Where’s the NEW?
Now that we have our assignment and report-no-later-than date of August 15th, I have been scouring the internet for houses all over the Olympia and Tacoma areas.  I’ve seen new construction and gentrified turn-of-the-centuries.  I’ve seen sprawling five-bedroom monsters and down-sizing bungalows.  I’ve looked at houses, condos, townhouses, and even apartments (if someone doesn’t buy our house in SC, we may end up in a studio to avoid the poor house).  I have left no real estate stone unturned.
And this is what I’ve learned.
Buying a new house is a little like dating.  In the beginning, this is what my dream house looked like:
  • At least 4 bedrooms
  • At least 2 bathrooms
  • 2-car garage
  • Playroom 
  • Breakfast nook/eat-in with window seat and view 
  • Fenced, landscaped backyard
  • Landscaped frontyard
  • Security system
  • Master suite with his/her closets and sitting room and/or library
  • Master bath jacuzzi tub and separate shower, dual sinks
  • Laundry shoot
  • Finished basement and/or attic
  • Updated kitchen with stainless steel appliances
  • Hardwood floors, carpeted bedrooms
  • Close to highly rated elementary school
  • Close to Target, Jamba Juice, restaurants, concert venues, and the public library
  • Close to a county park, dog park, water, and mountains
  • Close to friends who already live in WA
Much like what my dream man (if I was still in the dating world) would look like:
  • Has a stable, secure job
  • Has a good relationship with his family
  • Has similar belief system: politics, religion
  • Can articulate short-term and long-term personal goals
  • Is comfortable with silence
  • Is comfortable in a group of people he doesn’t know
  • Is 6’ or taller
  • Has dark skin, light eyes, straight teeth
  • Is fit--healthy and muscular, but not so chiseled as to make me feel insecure
  • Has good taste in music and movies, but not a hipster
  • Loves to read--books, not just magazines
  • Plays well with other people’s children
  • Is well traveled
  • Is open to living abroad
  • Cooks, cleans, and doesn’t care if I don’t
  • Doesn’t snore or sleepwalk
  • Doesn’t use excessive amounts of tongue when kissing
  • Doesn’t have flat feet
  • Has strong, callused hands
  • Doesn’t wear girl jeans
  • Is a Yankees fan, or is open to becoming one
  • Doesn’t like Nascar
  • Can spell receive without using spellcheck
And just for fun:

Shut up.  He's my age in real life.
Okay, but there are rules.  You can only be Batman.  If you break character and Christian Bale starts talking to me, you're out.  Got it?
Every time.  Every single time.
Okay, fine.  But you've got the same rules as Christian.  Don't open your yapper.
Sure, why not?
Now, I have several friends who are in or nearing their mid-thirties who are completely fine with being single, and that is great--and kind of rare in the middle of the country, but I also have a lot of friends whose ovaries are screaming at them, “PLEASE USE ME BEFORE I SHRIVEL!” and their lists have dwindled with time to:
  • Breathes
  • Has a job
  • Doesn’t stink
Much like my house list has dwindled to:
  • Has walls
  • No dead bodies
  • In Washington
Looking for houses was immensely thrilling when it was all theoretical, but now that I’m going to actually have to pick one--I am baffled.  I mean, it’s a good problem to have--there are SO many choices that I’m having a hard time figuring out exactly what I want.  
I have two friends, Sarah and Ali, who are both scouring their respective neighborhoods for the perfect house for us.  I kind of wish they would just pick one for me.  It could be like Extreme Makeover: Washington Air Force Edition, and I would just show up, and everything would be perfect (except I would probably reorganize the books on the shelves and take away a few of the extraneous knick-knacks, but other than that, PERFECT!).
What makes it harder is the doing it on my own part, and I keep having dreams that we get to our new house and major things are wrong--like there isn’t a kitchen or there’s someone else already living in it.  In these dreams, Scott looks at me with a furrowed brow that says, “No kitchen?  Really, Leia?  You didn’t think of that before we paid $4 million dollars for this townhouse?”
In all seriousness, I am ecstatic to be moving and looking forward to the stress of it all.  Now, who wants to help drive the U-haul across the country?  Anyone?


  1. What a great post! I loved everything. I hope you find a great home. My two sisters are moving from Nevada to Birch Bay, Washington in the fall, if everything goes right.

  2. I hope you find something that fits lots of the items on your list!

    I can commiserate a little bit b/c I am looking for something to rent, and it's hard to find what I want.

  3. I enjoyed your chart and your lists. I could read charts comparing things and lists idealizing/identifying things for hours. Hopefully you know me well enough to know that I am totally serious about that, even though as I read it I thought it sounded sarcastic.

  4. @Belle, I'll have to look up Birch Bay--I am really loving learning about all the new places we can visit in our new place!

    @Ariel, I've got some good leads thanks to all my WA friends who are helping me look. I'm hoping to make a trip up sometime soon to check it all out myself.

    @Beth, I DO know you, and I know that you were being completely serious. I'm the same way. :)