Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Facebook Snowstorm 2011

So, all of my friends in the middle of the country are experiencing the Great Blizzard of 2011.  On Monday night, my entire Facebook news feed was full of comments about going to the grocery store, hyperbolic weathermen, and how everyone was SOOOOOOOOOO happy that __________ school system had cancelled school already.  The next morning, the comments slowly started coming in...
The FB Obvioust: “It’s starting to snow!”
Mom #1: “We’re all in our matching jammies, looking out the big picture window at the GIANT snowflakes!”
Mom #2: “Why did all the kids wake up at 5 am on the one morning we don’t have to be anywhere?  Where’s my coffee?”
The high school student: “yessssss!!!!!!!  no spanish tessssst!!!!!!!!  snow day!!!!!”
The person who still had to go to work, despite the blizzard (PWSHTGTWDTB): Just spent an hour scraping ice off my car and still can’t get in.  Good thing everyone will be late today!
The single guy: “Glad I bought beer last night!”
It is an inexplicable phenomenon, but I have a theory that blizzards make people overuse exclamation points.  I’m just saying.  There was a lull in the status updates during the late morning, as I can only assume everyone was settling in to their movies/board games/baking/late morning naps.  Then, right before lunchtime, it picked up.
The FB Obvioust: “Wow, it’s really coming down!”
Mom #1 (complete with picture): “Check out our snow day crafts!  The best part is everything on the snowman is completely edible!  LML!!!”
Mom #2: “The dog is scared to pee in the snow, so I have now cleaned up pee FOUR TIMES, and it’s not even lunchtime!!!  And someone lost the remote so the TV is stuck on Ni-Hao Kai-Lan.  Where is my coffee?”
The high school student: “LOL my little brother is such a dorrrrrk he just came up to me and was like i wanna make a snowman and i was alllllll ur a dorrrrrrk somebody text me”
PWSHTGTWDTB: “Froze my ass off for an hour and a half getting into my car, and I’m the only one here.  You bitches better show up.  FML.”
The single guy: “Godfather marathon on AMC...score.”
The next two hours were filled with pictures of frosted windows and icicles hanging off of gutters.  I could have made a collage out of the look-how-much-snow-drifted-in-front-of-my-door pictures, a regular montage of snow walls.  Midafternoon I started seeing more status updates.
The FB Obvioust: “Everything is so white and cold!”
Mom #1: “We just played an ENTIRE game of Risk, and I won!  Time for another round of hot cocoa and another log on the fire.  Then, it’s Yahtzee time!!!”
Mom #2: “Could this day get any worse?  The pipes are frozen, and my MIL just called saying she’s sending my FIL over to “help.”  And the dog just found the chocolate we were going to use for smores later, and now he’s ralphing all over the living room floor.”
The high school student: “OMG my little brother is an idiot he jusssst spillllled hot chocolate on my Uggs and i’m going to killllll him texxxxxt meeee pleasssse”
PWSHTGTWDTB: "Better head to the car now since it’s going to take me two hours to dig back in.  If I had contact solution and a toothbrush I’d be tempted to just stay the night.  FML."
The single guy: “Do you think Pizza Hut is delivering?”
Another lull in status messages ensued, as I can only assume people were busy schooling each other in Monopoly, popping more popcorn, and OF COURSE building snowmen, as evidenced by the barrage of pictures that followed.  Oh, and they were also busy taking pictures of their dogs frolicking in the snow.  Lots of dog pictures.  Sometime around dinnertime, I got a lot of this:
The FB Obvioust: “Snow is cold!”
Mom #1: “Chili, corn bread, and german chocolate cake for dinner!  I love snow days with all my favorite people!  Wish every day was a snow day!”
Mom #2: “Fend for yourself night for dinner since it’s really freaking hard to cook anything without running water.”
The high school student: “boooooorrrrred texxxxxxxxt meee”
PWSHTGTWDTB: “Hitching a ride with Troy (accounting Troy, not HR Troy).  Thank God for his Ford 4x4.  The Cabernet can not possibly reach my lips fast enough.  Can someone tell corporate I will not be coming back tomorrow no matter how many emails they send?  Mkay, thanks!”
The single guy: “Bored...somebody text me”
And now before bed, everyone seems to be getting in their last licks.
The FB Obvioust: “The snow is cold, but the ice is colder!”
Mom #1 (complete with picture): “Got everybody tucked in at our living room “camp-out!”  Even the dog is wearing his jammies!  I am so incredibly blessed beyond belief with the BEST family.  They are AMAZING!!!  Happy snow day to all, and to all a good night!”
Mom #2: “Thank God for the Ellisons next door.  Just grabbed a shower at their house, and they’re letting the kids have a slumber party there.  A night with just me and the hubby by the fire!  Too bad he’s already snoring.”
The high school student: “no schooooool tomorrrrrow againnnnn texxxxxt me!”
PWSHTGTWDTB: "Took two hours to get home, only to find I left my keys on my desk.  Waiting for roommate to get home. FML"
The single guy: “How bad are the roads really?  What bars are open?”
It’s been an entertaining day, midwesterners.  I have to admit at the beginning of the day I was envious of the snowed in life.  But right now, I’m pretty happy about the fact that tomorrow’s high is going to be 53, and that’s the coldest it’s been all week here.

(UPDATE: It actually got up to 75.  My kids were in shorts, and if I had had a pedicure in the last two months, I would have been wearing flip-flops.)


  1. I can always count on you for a good laugh. This was a great post. Thanks for sharing!

  2. Thanks, Jenn. I am actually kind of envious--all the posting made me really homesick! ::puts on flip-flops to take out the trash::

  3. Leia, How dare you use the comments I made in our phone conversation on your blog post. And the dog didn't pee on the floor four times, it was six. Was it wrong to give our children Ambien?

    Bet you I can take a good guess at who mom number one was...beyotch.

  4. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Let me add this:

    This story and its characters and entities are fictional. Any likeness to actual persons, either living or dead, is strictly coincidental.

    That covers me legally, right?

  5. Thanks, Debby! I feel so bad because I am SOOOOOO behind on reading the blogs I follow. Will hop over to visit soon!

  6. Leia you crack me up!!!
    I thought I was the only person annoyed by all the snow pics and updates. Really just bitter here because I have a really sick baby who can't go play in it.
    Which is also why I am up at 3:30 in the morning reading blogs. Because my poor child can't breath.

  7. In real life I hate Mom #1, and I'm Mom #2!

  8. HAHAHA! I LOVE the FB ovioust :) You are such a great writer :)

  9. @Lori, I hope T starts feeling better soon. We had the yucks in our house last week and it was NO FUN. Sending lots of love her way!

    @Jan, I am sure you are NOT Mom #2. You are Mom #3--that's the mom who has a Star Wars-related blog and three super cute boys. =)

    @Erica, thanks! I am glad I could entertain all my snowed-in friends--and that none of them have been offended by my making fun of them.

  10. Why does everyone hate mom #1? She seems nice. Maybe you have to be a mom to understand.

  11. I think all the moms sense something disingenuous about this mom. And believe me--this mom DEFINITELY exists. In fact, I'm friends with a lot of them. They are the moms who are always manicured and pedicured and own "Your Baby Can Read" DVDs. The rest of us know that they are actually dying inside.

    P. S. I know a handful of women who GENUINELY are mom #1, and I don't think they are obnoxious.