Don't Be Scared, I've Done This Before (Lady Gaga)

Is anyone else equally disturbed by the "healthy teeth" picture?  Is that first picture a corpse?

When I was little, I think I had cavities in every single one of my teeth.  Oddly enough, I loved going to the dentist--probably because my first dentist, Dr. Allen, had me mesmerized by his ability to talk to the goats in my ears.  (Or were they elephants?)

I have loved all of my dentists with the exception of two:

1. Dr. McCreepy who commented over and over about how my mouth creates excessive amounts of saliva, and 
2. Dr. McHack who capped two of my teeth TWICE, after which all four caps broke in my mouth while I was still in the chair, followed a week later by one of the fillings he replaced falling out while I sat on a plane in NYC bound for Ghana.

I find going to the dentist to be a relaxing experience, and not just because it’s one place I KNOW I won’t be disturbed by my children.  More recently, I have had THE BEST dentist here in Summerville, Dr. Beavers.  

He had me at the catchy slogan.

And then again when I saw what he does in his free time.

If you live anywhere close to him, drop everything you’re doing and pay him and his wonderful staff a visit.  You won’t regret it.

Despite my cavity issues, I promise I have excellent mouth hygiene.  You might even call it obsessive.  I keep floss in the door of my car, so I can floss as soon as I’m done eating at a restaurant.  I also keep it in every purse I own, in the nightstand next to my bed, and in the junk drawer in the kitchen.  You never know when you might need to floss.  Immediately. 

In my opinion, the best invention from the last fifty years is the electric toothbrush.  I love how clean my teeth feel and that it has a timer to let me know when I’ve been brushing for a full two minutes.  On a couple of occasions, I’ve either forgotten to pack it or left it out to conserve space on trips.  WORST MISTAKE EVER.  I am always elated to be reunited with my ET when I return home.

So, this Christmas, when I opened a present from my mom, I knew at once that I was absolutely her favorite child.  Here’s what it was:

You might be saying, what IS that?  Well, it’s the second best invention ever.  Now, I can use the waterpik to floss my teeth in the shower.  It took me five minutes to install, and I was ready to water floss!  The instructions said to slowly turn it on because different showers offer different water pressure and to always use warm water.  

Now, at the risk of sharing too much information (uh...I think I’ve already crossed that line in this post), I like a hot, hot, hot, hot shower.  The more water pressure, the better.  When I exit the shower, I want my entire body to be bright red.  I HATE when I visit someone’s house or stay in a hotel and the water pressure is low or even mediocre.  So, I figured it can only be the same with the waterpik.  Bring on the hot, tooth-pounding spray!

Wrong.

During my first use, I turned the knob, and the six-foot waterpik hose started flailing like a living, moving organism.  It was like a scene out of that really bad J. Lo and Ice Cube movie, Anaconda.  Within seconds, the entire ceiling was dripping, and stupidly, I tried to control it by grabbing it and shot myself in the eye with scalding water.  Covering my eye with one hand, I reached up to turn the knob back and lost my balance, hitting my head on the wall.  Dizzy, half-blind, and pissed, I got it turned off and decided to have a seat.

After a few seconds, I started blinking and was relieved to find that I could still see out of my left eye.  My excitement was not dampened by the trauma, and I decided to try again.  This time, I turned it on just a TEENSY bit, while holding the head of the waterpik down so the spray hit the floor instead of the ceiling.  Lesson learned.

Now that I know how to use it, it’s the highlight of my day.  Okay, maybe not, but it is REALLY FREAKING COOL. I know you're all going to run out and buy an oral irrigator.  

And now, this incredibly weird post is over.