Help Me Tame the Beast

If you’re new here or have a penis, you might want to start with a different post.  You also might not know that my husband went under the knife recently.  Due to this development, I am (after many, many years) completely off the pill.  Aside from the assurance that we are officially done having kids, I am most excited about not having to take a pill every night before bed.  (Of course, I still think about it every night.)  But I gotta be honest.  So far, it has sucked.

I would say that generally speaking, I’m a pretty level-headed, level-hearted person.  On the PMS scale (1 being super chill and 10 being Naomi Campbellesque bitch), I usually linger somewhere around a 3.  I’m not saying I can’t be a bitch sometimes.  I’m just not that affected by the hormone changes necessarily.  I’ve also been lucky in that I don’t suffer from all the typical issues associated with periods--bloating, cramping, etc.  (And if I'm to be completely honest, I kind of thought people were just exaggerating about those things.)

HOWEVER,  I have officially been off the pill for two weeks, and I kind of want to kill someone.  I have cried at least one time every day.  And not over real, cry-worthy things.  I can’t sing along with Christmas songs without weeping, and I looked at a friend’s newborn/family pictures on Facebook and became a blubbering idiot.  Seriously.  

So, anyway, when I got an email in my inbox titled “5 Tips for Taming PMS,” I was definitely interested.  The email was from Jillian Michaels--I signed up for her emails when I started doing the 30-Day Shred a few months ago.  For the most part, her emails have been helpful, and I lost somewhere between 15 and 20 pounds, so something was obviously working.

When I opened the email, I had one of my (recently common) bipolar moments.  Here are the five tips, and my thoughts about them:

1. Exercise: Screw you, Jillian.  My insides feel like they’re about to fall out, and I’m pretty sure doing crunches is going to move them in the wrong direction.  Plus, it’s hard doing jumping jacks with all this extra water I’m retaining in my mid-section.  I look like freaking Humpty Dumpty.  Why don’t you go exercise!?  I’ll be here on the couch curled up in a ball crying about that Hallmark commercial.
2. Get some R&R: Oh, I’ll be sure to do that.  I’ll just have my five-year-old do the laundry and my two-year-old cook dinner, while I lounge and sip on my mojito...what’s that?  Oh, crap...
3. Cut out most alcohol, caffeine, and salt: No mojitos?  No Dr. Pepper?  And no potato chips?  What do you expect me to eat and drink?  Do you think juice and vegetables are going to stop me from wanting to claw someone’s eyes out?  That’s not going to cut it.  I need some white wine and dark chocolate STAT.  Just hook me up to an IV. 
4. Cut out most simple sugars: Now, you’re just being mean.
5. Consider supplements: Okay, finally, something I can do.  I’ll be supplementing my mashed potatoes with extra cheese.  Oh, you mean calcium supplements?  Cheese has calcium.  Back off.

Here’s the deal.  I think Jillian gave these tips because “she’s” really just a “female” robot, and “she’s” a bitch all the time, so “she” has no experience with actual PMS.

I’m hoping these recent issues will resolve with time.  If not, I’ll be checking myself in to the nearest treatment facility.  It’s really best for my husband and children.  I would like to solicit the advice of other women who have experienced this.  Thoughts?