The BEST 2011 Golden Globe Review Ever Written While Eating Chips and Salsa

Okay, I was not going to write about The Golden Globes because I was feeling lazy, but five minutes in, I was like...I can’t believe I’m watching these by myself!  For the first time in about five years, I’ve actually seen most of the movies and shows that are nominated!  I’m not on Twitter even though everyone tells me I should be.  So, pretend you’re sitting here in my living room drinking wine and that I’m annoying you through the whole thing.  If you watched them, you might find this interesting.  If you didn’t watch them, you will think this is all complete nonsense, raving lunatic babble.

PRE-SHOW:

Is Ricky Gervais drunk already?

Whose idea was it to start with Natalie Portman?  Nothing else matters after seeing her beautiful self in that BEAUTIFUL dress.  (NP is so stunning that I nearly missed Olivia Wilde in the background fanning her dress.)

What’s on Mark Wahlberg’s face?  Oh, that is his face.

I love Alec Baldwin and his phony sincere head shake.  (I have an uncle who passionately hates Alec Baldwin, which makes for really interesting Thanksgiving dinners.)

I have said this before, and I will say it again, “Stop it with the eyeliner, Keith Urban!”

Oh no, Helena.  I LUV you, girl, but seriously.  This is a joke, right?

Sandy, Sandy, Sandy!  I don’t generally get on board with the one-shoulder jobs, but I think you look beautiful in EVERYTHING.  (Carson Daly is a complete d-bag.  WTH is he talking about?)

That sweet little Chris Colfer!  I hope that Julie Andrews granny gig works out for you.  

I wonder if Jesse Eisenberg gets tired of answering, “Have you ever met Mark Zuckerberg?”  As much I would like to say I would have dated someone like Matthew McConnaughey in high school, I totally would have dated Jesse Eisenberg.  For sure.

Julianne Moore is always, always, always stunning.  Real red heads are the best.

Matthew Morrison has less product in his hair tonight.  Good for you, Matt.

Jake Gyllenhaal.  I just...I just...I can’t say anything else.  Maybe this--can I have your babies?  Don’t ever shave your face. (Tiny glimpse of Blair Underwood--would also have your babies.)

Christina Aguilera--how did I miss that Burlesque was up for best film?  WTH?  Okay, okay, I didn’t see it because I thought it looked AWFUL.  Anyway, Christina, your girls look great.

Oh, Mr. Pink, I love you.  Does anyone else think Steve Buscemi looks a little bit dead?  (Ooh, ooh, ooh...more of Miss Natalie...gosh, that woman is beautiful.)

Angelina, I’m not going to make any tacky comments about who you are, but that dress is ridiculous.  And by ridiculous, I mean, you look like Oscar the Grouch is going to Amish prom.

TINA FEY!!!  Your dress, your hair, your boobs--perfection!

Jane Lynch--fab.  Shot of Scarlett Johansson--WTH happened to her hair?

And January Jones deserves my first OMFG of the night.  I’m pretty sure that’s exactly what Bets Draper would wear to the GGs as well.  Rock it, sister.

Amy Adams is possibly the sweetest person on the planet.  I have personal issues with dresses that have giant bows/flowers right next to your face, but for you, Amy, it makes sense.

Rob in navy, super.  I don’t need to write anymore about him because all the Twihards will take care of that.

Who cares about this Zuckerberg chick?  RYAN GOSLING IS HERE.  He looks like his mom combed his hair, but who cares?  He makes me giggle.  Butterflies in the stomach and giggling.

I hope Colin Firth wins.  REALLY.  

Wee shot of Halle Berry--eh.  I don’t even feel like putting in the effort to say anything.  She could wear a duct tape dress and still be the most beautiful woman in Hollywood.

I don’t care how weird Kevin Spacey is.  He’s still one of my favorites.

Sofia Vergara looks like Jessica Rabbit, and I mean that in the nicest way possible.  Jessica Rabbit is the sexiest cartoon character ever.

Helen Mirren for queen!  I hope my girls look that good when I’m her age.  Sexy haircut.  You make $1.6 million dollars look good.

Yea, Michael Douglas!  So good to see him up and around, and Catherine, you are STUNNING, even if you are wearing the drapes from The Sound of Music.

Claire Danes has a perfect dress and perfect hair (style and shade).  Who knew My So-Called Life would result in THIS.

Christian Bale is disgusting.  JESUS.  No, I mean, he looks like Jesus.  Get rid of all the extra body hair and put your Batman costume back on.

Michelle Williams has a pixie haircut.  I don’t know how I feel about it.  I also don’t know how I feel about that dress.  In fact, I feel nothing.

Anne Hathaway is dressed like she’s 40...this is becoming a trend with some of these young up-and-comers tonight.  ANNE!!! Lose the shoulder pads and show a little skin while you’re young.  OH WHOA, just noticed the back.  It’s much better than the front.

IRONMAN!  Could Robert Downey, Jr. care any less about this interview?  Love him.

Jimmy Fallon just got smallboxed for Carrie Underwood--Okie pride!  

Yes, let’s ruminate about the fashion.  Yes, Carson!  Obviously, January Jones.

Oh, that’s it?  It’s time for the real show?  Clappy hands, clappy hands, clappy hands!!!

Okay, so we’re opening with jokes about Charlie Sheen, The Tourist, and Cher.  Did they seriously just bleep “for Christ’s sake?”  Scientology jokes?  Watch your back, Ricky...they’ll come get you!

Okay, so I didn’t even notice Scarlett’s dress first time around because of her stupid hair, but that is really, really nice.  I mean, I could do without the sleeves, but the rest of it is really nice.  And Geoffrey Rush was robbed.  Okay, enough, Christian Bale.

LL Cool J never gets old.  I might just pause it for awhile and stare at him.  You know how I feel about guys in hats.  I’ve been meaning to watch Sons of Anarchy but haven’t gotten around to it.  (Wait...what?  She was nominated for Peg Bundy?)  Juliana Margulies should have won, but whatever.  I’m fast-forwarding through Peg’s speech.

I haven’t seen Carlos, but is it weird that I’m craving chips and salsa after hearing that music?

If I was Bruce Willis, I would totally kick his ass.  

Oh no, Leighton, someone ripped your dress!  Look, there are some trends that should not come back.  One of those trends is puffy sleeves.

Does Eric Stonestreet have a Santa connected to his lapel?

Yea for Glee boy!!!  I’m kind of disappointed that the cast didn’t join him on stage for a quick little number.  That’s right!  Screw that, kids.  I love the genuinely surprised speeches.

I think Eva Longoria and I would totally be friends in real life.  If I was there tonight, that’s the dress I would be wearing.

I totally feel torn about this.  I definitely think Steve Buscemi is wonderful and deserved to win this award, but poor Jon Hamm.  If you need comforting, Jon, call me!  Night or day!  At.  Your.  Beck.  And. Call.

I might be getting hungry.  It’s going to be hard to type and dip at the same time.  Oh!  Justin Timberlake was just on screen for like three seconds (and not even in real live form).  My pits and feet just started sweating--I can’t help it.  No matter how I try to not be in love with him, I can’t help it.  LJ+JT forever!

Aww...how cute is Hailee Steinfeld?  Obvs, TS3 is taking this one home.  It made grown men cry.

Robert Downey, Jr. is phenomenal.  Effing phenomenal.

The Kids Are All Right  is one of the films that I really, really, really, really wanted to see this year and didn’t.  Officially moved to the top of my Netflix queue.  Oooohhh...that Mark Ruffalo is too cute.  1962?  How old is Warren Beatty?

Sylvester Stallone is amazing.  Amazingly awful.  What happened?

I could watch Claire Danes and Temple Grandin hugging all night!  Why was there only one season of My So-Called Life?  Oh, Temple Grandin is so stinking cute!  And I’m just going to say that behind Natalie, I think Claire’s dress is my next favorite.

Is Zac Efron in a movie about the military soon?  (I’m genuinely asking since I don’t keep up with HSM stars.)  What’s up with that haircut?

Tina Fey and Steve Carrell...so far my favorite moment of the night.

Thor and Captain America on stage at the same time.  I am SO over superheroes and superhero movies.  

I love that Sofia Vergara clapped for herself because she’s so excited!  From Jane Lynch, best speech so far: 

...I am nothing if not falsely humble, so I would like tonight, I’d like tonight to share this with Ian Brennan.  Ian Brennan is one of our three writers on Glee, and he created Sue Sylvester, and every heinous, insane line that comes out of my mouth was written by him.  He’s a deranged young man.  He’s a fellow Chicagoan, and I love you so much, and this is yours, too. Although, I will be holding on to it.  Um, I think the great thing about Glee for me anyway, the greatest thrill, is that I get these 14-year-old kids coming up to me, vibrating out of their bodies and saying how happy Glee makes them, and you know when I have the time and I’m not eating, and don’t want to be bothered, I’ll give them a moment of my time...

Okay, now that I see Olivia Wilde up and moving around in that giant sparkly dress, it’s growing on me.  Big, I think, for TV, but I think I like it.  Yep, yep, I definitely like it.

Remember when everyone hated Jane Fonda?  Yeah, I wasn’t alive, but I heard it was bad.  Thank goodness she teamed up with JLo for that stellar Monster-in-Law movie and revived her career.  Doh.

Oh, now there’s a nice surprise.  I REALLY like Kaley Cuoco’s dress.  Very sweet.

Ooh...there’s Jon Hamm again.  Babies?

Okay, Melissa Leo should be cast in every movie from this point out.  I want her to win more awards, so I can hear more speeches from her.

Mr. Matt Damon, you had me at them apples.  Tonight was no different.  (Tiny glimpse of Brad Pitt chewing gum.  Yums.)  Anyway, back to Mattie--I swear I don’t say this to all the boys, but babies?

And let’s all take a minute to fall in love some more with Robert DeNiro.  I mean, really.  He really is the best.  Ever.  Like if I were to compile a list of the greatest actors of all time, he wouldn’t be on the list because he is his own list.  So, so, so, sososososososososo sexysmart.  Blows everyone out of the water.

Aww...Tom Hanks is crying a little bit about Robert DeNiro.  And that is why Tom Hanks is on his own different kind of list.

Okay, fine.  I like Megan Fox’s dress.  As much as it KILLS me to say it.  So grossed out by her.

Yep, still like January Jones and that red “dress.”  It’s more like a swimsuit with a skirt, but yes.  I still like it.

Halle Berry.

How does someone get nominated twice in one category and still not win?  Paul Giamatti is talented and all, but give Johnny some love for his BRILLIANT performance in Alice in Wonderland. Okay, Paul, you’re getting creepy now.  Get off the stage.

Okay, so does anyone know how tall Joseph Gordon-Levitt is?  I can never tell, but he seems small for my taste.  I might make a boy-sized man exception for him because he’s in two of my favorite movies ever.  I mean, really, I don’t like it when a boy can fit in my jeans.  It’s gross and wrong.  And I only like kissing boys when I have to crane my neck until it hurts.  While on my tiptoes.

JEFF BRIDGES!!!  JEFF BRIDGES!!!  JEFF BRIDGES!!!  I love him so much.

And we all knew that NP was taking this one home.  Obvs.  Shout out to the granny!  Shout out to the mom and dad!  He does want to sleep with you--like everyone else I know.  Aww...awkward laugh!  Darren Aronofsky  should cast that mustache in his next creepy movie.

Did you hear that?  From the upcoming film, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close.  I may have said something about that book sometime on this blog.

And Colin Firth FTW--my night is now complete.

"There's gotta be an easier way to get a standing ovation."--Michael Douglass (Brilliant and poised!)

And The Social Network wins again.  Cool.

Wait...the show ended on time?  Wow.