Saturday, January 22, 2011

This Week in Brain Damage

Brothers and Sisters
So, Tommy is back--or at least part of him is.  How much weight has Balthazar Getty lost?  I don’t like the skinny version.  Anyway, he’s back, and he brought his fiancee, whom no one is all that excited about--especially after it seems she may be after the family’s money.  Still not buying it that Frenchie and Sarah are getting married.  Still don’t care about Justin’s girlfriend.  Starting to like Scotty and Kevin’s might-be-daughter.  All right, are we really going back into Nora’s past again?  I feel like a broken record.
The Bachelor
So, Ashley S. (recipient of the “first impression” rose on the first night) gets the one-on-one date, and we are quickly aware that Michelle is the psycho girl of this season (there’s always one).  Brad and Ashley S. are going to try to have fun doing something that Brad describes as “a torturous event”--recording a song together.  And guess what?    Brad picked the song that makes Ashley S. think of her dead dad--the song that was her favorite song when she was little.  Nice work, producers!  You’ve really outdone yourselves with this one.  Oh wait?  Seal is actually here?  You know that Heidi Klum made him do it.  She was like, “Seee-uhl!  You must go on da Bachelor to help Brad find da love we have so that he can celebrate his love every year with extravagant anniversary parties and have babies every year because dat is what da true love people do!”  (I’m much better at writing out Southern accents.  Sorry for the German accent fail.)
And now we get an action movie group date, and Alli is a girl after my own heart talking about her pit stains.  Now I understand why Brad is really doing The Bachelor again.  He’s trying to break into the action movie business!  And he could TOTALLY do it--he is AT LEAST as talented as Jean-Claude Van Damme or John Cena.
Now, on this group date, we’ve got Shawntel (who makes out with him like a rabid dog) and Chantal (who opens up to him about one of the hardest things she’s ever had to deal with), and can we guess who gets the rose?  Making out ALWAYS trumps pouring your heart out.  
Okay, so I think Emily’s story is REALLY tragic. Really tragic, and I in no way want to take away from the fact that her life story--losing her fiance in a plane crash and finding out five days later that she’s pregnant with his baby--is heartbreaking.  However, I only needed to hear the story once.  Crying over reality TV--especially over something this trashy is something that goes against my religion.  And every time the story is told, I bawl like a baby.  We get the best quote of the night from Meghan about Emily: “To pretty much describe Emily, she’s like this itsy bitsy Barbie doll with the soul of Mother Teresa, so you want to hate her but you can’t.”  My sentiments exactly.
And now we get a glimpse at a counseling session for Brad.  Really?  Really?  Is this happening?
Vampire Girl decides to go home, and this is when I start hating myself a little bit because I actually had this thought: I really respect her for leaving!  That’s when you know you’ve taken reality TV too seriously--when you start respecting the people on the show as if they are real people.  GAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWDDDDDD.
And now during the rose ceremony, a few observations:
  1. Michelle is still crazy.
  2. Someone needs to stop with the eyebrow sculpting.  Seriously.  Start paying attention to all of their eyebrows.  They all look like they’ve been tattooed on.
  3. We get “he was just intimidated by me” from Kimberly, and a big fat mascara-smeared sobfest from Sarah P. when they get kicked off.  Nice, ladies.
  4. I’m just going to call it now.  Brad is going to pick a brunette.  He’s slowly but surely kicking off all the blondes.  So, sometimes they don’t have more fun.

OOOOOPS!  Haddie’s little I’m-still-dating-my-boyfriend-even-though-my-parents-told-me-not-to scheme blew up in her face.  Hate it when that happens.  I love the looks Adam and Kristina keep giving each other, like, “We’re doing the right thing, right?  This is what good parents do, right?”  I’d like to say what I think every time I watch this show--I don’t think I’m ever going to be ready for teenagers.  And I loved this conversation between Zeek and Crosby:
Zeek: Well, how do you feel about it?
Crosby: It doesn’t matter how I feel about it.  She’s the mom.
Zeek: What do you mean it doesn’t matter how you feel about it?  He’s your son, Crosby.  You’ve gotta have a say in this thing.  You’re setting a dangerous precedent here.  You gotta...who wears the pants in the family?
Crosby: What year do you think it is?  The 50s?  There’s no one wearing the pants or not wearing the pants, you know.  It’s a partnership.
Zeek: God, that sounds dreadful.
Modern Family
Is this every parent’s biggest nightmare?  Yes.  Do Claire and Phil Dunfee know how to make an awkward situation more awkward?  Yes.
Friday Night Lights
Tim Riggins is back!  I’ve never loved stringy, greasy hair and white jumpsuits more.  And that Buddy Garridy is my hero: “I can tell you this kid right here has more heart than any person I’s time for you to let Tim Riggins come home.”  I think some other stuff happened on this episode, but I was daydreaming during the parts when Tim Riggins wasn’t on the screen, so I don’t know what else happened.  Sigh...
American Idol
My parents hate reality TV and make fun of me for watching, and you know what I have to say to that?  Did you see the new and improved American Idol?  OMG.  It’s SOOOOOO much better than before.  I laughed, I cried, I watched young men and women fulfill their lifelong dreams.
No, really.  I don’t really care what happens this season.  I’m just excited to look at Steven Tyler every week.   I mean...he’s probably #1 on my old guys that do it for me list.  Did you see him take his shirt off?  Was not expecting that.  I mean, he’s like 75 or something, and he looks like a rock god...uh, because he is.  And you know what the biggest surprise of these new format is?  I actually like Jennifer Lopez.  I TOTALLY thought she was going to drive me crazy in the same way that Paula did, but she doesn’t.  She seems really, really normal (which I suppose makes total sense she’s Jenny from the block).  So normal that I’ll put up with having to look at and listen to Randy all season.
Perfect Couples
So we’ve got a new show that is potentially funny.  Potentially.  There’s something about  Kyle Bornheimer (who plays Dave) that I don’t like.  He was on a show called Worst Week that was a typical Americanized version of a good BBC show--kind of funny, but something lost in translation.  Then he played Alyssa Milano’s best friend, Perry, on Romantically Challenged, and I didn’t like him on that show either, but it may have been because I couldn’t get over Alyssa Milano’s giant teeth.  So, I may not be able to watch this show because of him.  HOWEVER, Olivia Munn who a) is from Oklahoma, and b) proves smart, funny, and hot can happen at the same time (as evidenced by her appearances on The Daily Show) is on the show, so I’ll at least give it the let’s-see-what-happens-after-the-pilot.

The Office/Parks and Recreation/30 Rock
All of these shows are always hiLARious, but when I try to write about them, nothing really makes sense.  Pretty much everyone I know watches The Office, but almost no one I know watches Parks and Recreation.  I can only chalk this up to the fact that everyone thinks P&R is the exact same show as The Office.  And it’s not!  Not at all.  I mean P&R is set in a GOVERNMENT office.  The main character is a quirky, unaware WOMAN, and the other characters include a large black WOMAN, an awkwardly demanding man with a MUSTACHE, and an Indian-American MAN.  See?  Totally different.  30 Rock rounds out the Thursday NBC funnies, and I’m campaigning for Tina Fey/Alec Baldwin 2016. Here is an example of why what I write doesn’t translate as funny on the page:
“Suck it!  By the way, I’ve been giving away free sports bras to the girls at Hotdog on a Stick!”
See?  Makes no sense if you didn’t watch this week, but really, really funny if you did.

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