Saturday Week in TV Wrap-Up

So, I guess the writers are trying to slyly move away from the stupid Holly-has-amnesia story line.  Also, it looks like Nora has been taking her Boniva--look how strong her bones look during all that stretching.  Whatever, enough about the old people.  Let’s move on to the story line about Justin’s new girliefriend and this cardiologist guy, the hot one whose been to Africa (Justin’s competition).  I just have one thing to say.  I’ve been to Africa.  On a traveling hospital ship.  None of the doctors looked like that.  Just saying.  Oh, and one more thing about the old people--stop it with digging up things from the past!  No one cares about old sh*t.  Come up with some NEW story lines.  I dare you.

So...confession: I have watched every single season of the Bachelor/Bachelorette.  Every season.  When I was in Africa, I even had my mom record the show on VHS (it was a LOOOOOOOONG time ago) and send me the tapes while I was gone--I just couldn’t miss Trista falling in love with Ryan!  And every single season, after undergoing tremendous introspection, I see the promos, and I’m like...not again.  I’m not ever watching that show again!  And then I do.  

For those of you who don’t watch, this season (the most dramatic season ever) we’ve got Brad Womack back for a second chance at Bachelor love after dumping not one but TWO women the last time he was on.  I didn’t watch the first episode and refused to set it on my DVR (because I’m NOT ever going to watch this show again!), but then one night this week, it was midnight, and I couldn’t sleep, so I totally watched all four hours of the first two episodes on Hulu.  Attempt at being a respectable person: FAIL.  

So, here’s the deal.  I don’t mind Brad being the bachelor (unlike the millions of women on message boards who are screaming, “It’s not fair!  No recycled bachelors!” while they eat their ice cream and dream of the day when they, too, can date a hot guy while he dates 29 other women).  If I were to have a type, he would be it--muscular, but not over the top; handsome with or without facial hair; and he’s from Austin, TX.  I bet he drives a truck.  HOWEVER, all my lonely lust flows quickly down the drain when he opens his mouth.  I mean, I’m so happy for him that he’s gone to therapy to work out his issues (bravo!), but justshutyourmouth and let me look at you.  Seriously.  Here are a few things about this episode that really did it for me:

1. In describing the first date he went on, he said he wanted to give the girl a true Pretty Woman experience.  Really?  You want to pick up a prostitute, take her to a nice hotel, and give her pretty dresses?  (One of these things DID happen on the date.)  Be ready, Brad, for rejection--whores don’t like to kiss on the mouth!
2. On the same date, Brad’s date exclaimed, “THIS IS THE BEST DATE I’VE EVER BEEN ON!”  Really?  No one has ever set up an entire amusement park JUST for you?  Gosh, I’ve been on a million dates like that.
3. When receiving a rose at the mostdramaticroseceremonyever, one of the girls said, “This feels like Christmas!”  Really?  Getting a rose after going on a date with a guy and fourteen other women is like celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ?
4. And finally, let’s talk about some of the rejects.  One girl cries and says, “I think I’m just meant to be alone.”  Really?  After not finding love on a reality show, you’re bound to be alone for the next 60 years?  And then there’s Raichel.  You have an extraneous letter in your name, which is probably the real reason he cut you, not because you’re a bitch and you describe your profession as being a “manscaper.”

Wow, I just spent way too much time writing about this show.  Let’s face it.  I’m probably going to do it again next week because it’s so fun.

We got another intense episode with an appearance from Leelee Sobieski (younger, prettier Helen Hunt), whom I like for some reason but can’t figure out why.  We still don’t know anything about Kalinda’s past, but I don’t really care when it comes down to it.  Diane Lockhart is thinking about starting a new firm (do it, girl!).  But here’s the part I liked the best--Grandma thinks Grace is gay because she was holding her (girl)friend’s hand on the last episode.  So funny!  Especially since they were really holding hands and praying to Jesus. Old people are awesome.

My favorite part of this episode was that they highlighted the mother-daughter relationships.  Let me say this as loudly as possible: I AM SO GLAD I NEVER HAVE TO BE IN HIGH SCHOOL AGAIN.  I think I was actually a combination of Haddie and Amber when I was sixteen.  I volunteered at soup kitchens, but I also wrote original songs for the talent show.  I don’t know why my singing career never took off...probably because I was always too busy volunteering.  In the mother-daughter vein, I SO appreciated the scene where Sarah was hiding in the laundry room getting advice from her mommy--I am learning more and more every day how important having my mommy around to give me advice is.  Here was her mom’s advice: “We all try to protect our kids.  It’s what we do.  Then they grow up, and we can’t protect them anymore.  And you’d save yourself a lot of grief if you’d accept that fact.  I mean, you can be there for them, but you can’t protect them.  I think it’s one of the toughest things about being a parent.”  I am SO glad mine are 5 and 2 because I am definitely not ready to accept that yet.

I'm using this picture this week because I miss him.  Get out of jail already!

There’s trouble in Paradise, and by Paradise, I mean East Dillon.  Vince has let his just-out-of-prison dad get in his head, and the whole team is going to sh*t.  What are you gonna do, Coach Taylor?  Breakdown of interesting story lines:

1)Uh-oh, Becky is flirting with the strip club (like we didn’t know this was where she was headed!), and she’s making bank!  It’s only a matter of time before she drops out of school and gets pregnant (again).  On an unrelated note, I really appreciate the casting of the strippers because it’s the only show where the strippers look like real strippers--acne-ridden with too much make-up and flappy post-baby bellies.  Nice!

2) I like how when Julie talks to Matt, she first leaves out the fact that the reason she “doesn’t fit in” at college is because she slept with her married TA and then got bitch-slapped by his wife.  And then AFTER she sleeps with him and gets him to tell her that he missed her, she decides that’s the time to tell him.  Girls suck.  Way to go, Matt, with the mature adult talk.  Julie needed a reality check.

3) I’m starting to wonder when Tim Riggins is getting out of jail.  I need some Tim Riggins!  Surely he can get out on good behavior.  He’s such a good, good boy.  OH WAIT!!!  Did you see what’s coming up next week?  TIM RIGGINS!!!

I watched the first episode of Off the Map because I love Zach Gilford, but I will not continue to watch even for Zach’s sake.  In fact, if I ever refer to it again, I will just call it Lost Grey’s Anatomy.  I feel like anything I write about this show is just stating the obvious, but I’m going to do it anyway.  First of all, I’ve actually worked in clinics in developing nations, and I’ve NEVER seen anything that nice.  We once used an old refrigerator turned on its side as an exam table.  That place had painted handrails on the staircase.  And what was up with the 127 Hours-esque cutting off a guy’s arm scene?  The only thing that was believable AT ALL was when the doctor said, “When in doubt, hand out ibuprofen.”  I guess we don’t watch these shows because they are believable--we watch them for the steamy love scenes.  In this instance, though, all I can think about is how unsexy having sex under mosquito nets would be.  Shonda Rhimes has not just gone to the medical drama well too many times.  She has pulled her pants down and peed in the well.  FAIL.

So that's it for this week!  Now that the hubster is gonzo for the rest of my life  until June, I will have PLENTY of time to blog about useless things.  Hooray!